Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
