I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
