Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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