He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
