Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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