I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
