Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
