i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
