my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
