dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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