My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
