I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
