I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize