I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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