I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
