My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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