I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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