i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
