he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
