you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
