You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
