I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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