So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Come on in and take your pants off
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