If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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