ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
