Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
