Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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