that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
