I met the friendliest cop last night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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