youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
