my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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