i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
