I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize