Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
