Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
