Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
