he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
