my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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