I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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