I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
