I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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