I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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