the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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