I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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