I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
