He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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