Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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