hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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