Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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