Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
