Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
