She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
