That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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