Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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