I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
