Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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