...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
