in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
