Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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